Ask an Agent - with Gemma Cooper and Molly Ker Hawn, from the Bent Agency

 

Are you looking for a query critique from those in the know? Or do you have a question you've always wanted to ask an agent? This month, agents Gemma Cooper and Molly Ker Hawn from The Bent Agency are offering just that.

Gemma has tackled the queries this month: 

Query One 

Dear Molly and Gemma,  

I am seeking representation for my YA science fiction manuscript, Shift, complete at 86,000 words.  

What would the future look like if biotechnology took astronomical leaps forward? [It’s best not to start your query off with a question. It distracts us and leaves us thinking about the question, while also trying to read on. Just open with the pitch.]

It's the year 4017 and the human race has a new skill set - Shift. [We don’t know what ‘Shift’ is, so this sentence is confusing without an explanation.] From soaring with the eagles to swimming with the sharks, animal mind control has become second nature. [So ‘Shift’ is animal control? Connecting these two previous sentences better would help here.]

But it's not all fun and games - with control comes manipulation. It's amazing what damage an elephant can do in a war zone, or what an excellent troupe of line dancers you can make from fifty cats. Is it ethical? No one seems to know and no one's asking the question. [This is all back story and setting up your world, but not telling us about your plot. Try to condense into two more punchy lines.]

But for 19-year-old Anna, life isn't about any of that. She's stuck in a tiny Northern village with a sister who outshines her at every turn, a brother who's drifting further away the more he grows, and a boyfriend she's never quite sure wants to be there. [Do we need to know all about these characters in the pitch?]

But that's okay. What isn't okay, is Shift. Anna can't. [Finally, we are getting to the meat of the story and how your world impacts your main character.] Dubbed as 'mind-deaf' and stagnating in society's pity [It took a few reads for this to make sense, don’t overcrowd your query with lines like this.], she meets Grigg - tall, dark and nondescript [Does it matter what he looks like?] - and fascinated by Anna's flaw. 

Over the course of a winter the two strike up a friendship and with Grigg's help, Anna starts to push the boundaries of society (whoever heard of a human learning to swim?) [Because we don’t know everything about your world, this doesn’t seem weird. Is it needed here?] and find her own worth. 

It's all going fine until Grigg drops a bombshell. The ethics of Shifting into animal minds may be blurry, but human minds? Now, that's an entirely different matter. [You can hint at a bombshell, but here you have half explained it, but just left us more confused.] And as Grigg's brother Ebbe comes of age and manifests his Shift talent, Anna begins to realise that being stuck inside your own head is not necessarily the worst thing in the world. [Adding another character so late in the query is confusing, and this doesn’t really tie into the last line.] 

Gemma says: Okay, so at the heart of this, you have an interesting story. Humans controlling animals and a girl who can’t. But you are not telling us the stakes for Anna. Why does it matter that she can’t Shift? You have introduced your concept, but not really what impact it has on your main character’s life. 

To simplify this try to write one or two lines on the following: 

Introduce your main character – here you could also pitch the concept of the world. For example, ‘In a world where human beings have learned to manipulate animals through mind control, 19 year old Anna....etc. 

What does she want? What is the goal that is driving her throughout the book? Does she want to learn to Shift or to stop it happening in the world because of ethical reasons? Does she want to fit in with her family? It’s not clear at the moment. 

What is preventing her from achieving these goals? Once you are clear on the goals, you can explain the roadblocks. 

What are the stakes if she doesn’t achieve them? Every plot needs stakes – a reason for the reader to turn the page. 

Query Two 

Dear Gemma and Molly, 

Niri used to be a good girl, only occasionally told off for drawing spaceships on her maths homework. [While this first line does work, it could be a little more exciting and perhaps tell us a bit more about the main character in a voice driven funny way. Drawing on homework is just a bit flat. For example, ‘Niri used to be a good girl, well apart from that one time she dyed her brother bright pink, but that was an accident.’] Then a pirate attack separated her from her family and she ended up alone and stranded on a space station.  There, totally by accident, Niri breaks one of the most important laws in the galaxy. All she does is make friends with a small alien. Unfortunately, he turns out to be a member of an undiscovered species – even talking to him is against the law.   

Niri’s best hope is to make sure that the Guardians – self-appointed parents of the galaxy – never find out what she has done. But a mysterious businessman has been watching her, and he won’t keep her secret for free. His price: Niri must become one of his minions.  If she wants to stay out of prison and have a chance at finding her family, she will have to commit a lot more crimes. [Again, this is a good enough paragraph, telling us the plot and the stakes. But I can’t help but worry if it’s missing a bit of voice and spunk. It’s just a bit flat and with a title like MINIONS, I’m assuming this story is a little bit fun?]             

MINIONS is a middle grade science fiction story, and is complete at 57,000 words. It might be described as STAR TREK meets THE GODFATHER for kids, and I think it will appeal to fans of Dan Krokos’s THE PLANET THEIVES and Frank Cottrell Boyce’s COSMIC.   

I have been a science fiction fan since the age of 7, when I first read A WRINKLE IN TIME, and I even managed to sneak aliens into my philosophy PhD thesis. I’m now working as a project editor at (company name redacted) This is my first novel. 

Thank you for your consideration.   

Best wishes, 

P.S. Thanks so much for offering feedback on query letters here!

Gemma says: As a query, this isn’t bad at all, and would certainly make me read the sample pages with interest. However, if you can just insert some of Niri’s voice and up the excitement, then you will have a more enticing letter.   

Molly has answered the questions this month:

Question One
 

Dear agents 

My query might seem a little silly and naive but I have had three rejections so far. Each time I examine the rejection email in detail searching for clues. They were very different with some more encouraging than others. I just wondered if they are likely to be standard. For example would an agent say 'strongly encourage you to contact as many other agencies as possible' and 'we have read (your submission) with great interest' if they thought the book was rubbish and did not have a chance of being published. 

I would love to offer my query letter for critique but haven't quite got the nerve. 

When an agent declines a submission, it’s usually with a form letter. Some agents are gentler than others, and most at least try to be polite. My guess is that the lines you’ve mentioned are from the agents’ form letters. If the agent had comments specific to your manuscript that she wanted to pass on to you, she would have referred to your book, or at least an aspect of it, directly. 

But I think you’re making assumptions about why your book was declined. Just because the agent isn’t interested in it, that doesn’t mean it’s rubbish or impossible to publish. You can’t know what the agent is thinking – she could be already representing a project that sounds just enough like yours that they might compete with each other; or she might not even represent projects for the age group you’re targeting. (A shocking number of aspiring authors don’t fully research the agents they approach.) 

Most importantly, taste is entirely personal. You may have a premise that appeals to an agent, but she might not ‘connect’ with your voice. I mean, A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction and has sold a bazillion copies since it was published in 1980. It’s considered a significant modern classic, and everyone I know loves it, but I’m sorry, I can’t stand that book. I suppose that’s not fair; I’ve never been able to finish it. And Lord knows I’ve tried.  But I simply can’t connect with either the characters or the author’s voice. It’s not for me. 

I can’t represent something unless it inspires a spark of connection, an emotional response of some kind that makes me want to make other people read it. Most agents feel the same way, I think. I’ve turned down projects that have gone on to find agents and sell to publishers. And I’ve taken on clients who’d been turned down by other agents and I’ve found just the right editors for their projects. This is such a subjective business. ‘No’ means ‘this isn’t right for me.’  

Take heart -- your journey to finding an agent has barely begun!

Next month, agent Sallyanne Sweeney from Mulcahy Associates will be here for another Agent Confidential and will also be answering your questions. If you have a question for Sallyanne, either post them in the comments, or send them in to writers@britishscbwi.org 

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@gemma_cooper 

@mollykh.

Gemma Cooper and Molly Ker Hawn represent authors of books for children and young adults. For more information about Gemma and Molly see The Bent Agency website and blog. 


Ask an Agent - with Gemma Cooper and Molly Ker Hawn, from the Bent Agency

 

Are you looking for a query critique from those in the know? Or do you have a question you've always wanted to ask an agent? Each month, agents Gemma Cooper and Molly Ker Hawn from The Bent Agency are offering just that.

This month, they answer more of our readers' burning questions and critique a query.

Questions:

For a picture book submission, together with the manuscript, what other pieces of artwork should someone include? E.g. A storyboard, a character sheet and a double page spread? 

First, check the submission requirements to see if anything is particularly requested on the agent’s or publisher’s website. Personally, I like to see two finished spreads, or one finished spread and a character sheet. You could also include a rough storyboard, or thumbnails. I never expect to see this in submissions, but it can be helpful for showing how you envisage the completed story. Always include a link to any of your other artwork that is available online. Make sure you have updated your website with any new work before submitting to agents, and take down anything old that you don’t want them to see. 

If you have some children's fiction that's not quite ready to submit, but find yourself with an offer from a publisher for a children's non-fiction book, should you look for an agent who likes your fiction as well? How do you go about doing that when your fiction isn't yet quite the best it could be? 

A good agent will be open to discussion about your fiction as well as the offer you have in hand. Explain that you’re working on a fiction project (or projects) as well and be prepared to show a draft to agents who are interested in speaking with you about representation. Some agents have the skills and background to help you with polishing your work and getting it ready for publication. 


Query:

Original Query :

Dear Gemma/Mrs Ker Hawn, 

I’m seeking representation for my picture book texts ‘Wunderpants!’ and ‘Finn The Friendly Shark’ (complete at 460 words and 610 words respectively). They are both humorous rhyming picture book texts aimed at 4-7 year olds.

[Is it OK to send more than one picture book query at a time? I’ve read that it’s acceptable to send up to three at once.] 

Wunderpants! 

It’s Nell’s first day at school and… disaster strikes! She has an ‘accident’ and, when her teacher tries to find her some clean underwear, only a pair of boy’s blue underpants will fit. But these are no ordinary pants. They are WUNDERPANTS! and, when Nell puts them on, wonderful things start to happen. Maybe, just maybe, Nell’s first day at school won’t be so bad after all…

[I’m not sure how much detail to go into here. This story is obviously about ‘first day at school worries’ and also, more generally, shyness/confidence. Hopefully this is apparent from the above synopsis/pitch.] 

Finn The Friendly Shark 

Life can be tough when you’re a great white shark who’s more fun-loving than ferocious: fish are your friends, the neighbours all laugh, even your own family seem embarrassed. So cute little Finn runs away with hopes of becoming menacing and mean. Will he be able to prove himself and win the respect of his father and older brothers?

[Again, is this enough? This story has a bit more going on. It’s touches on lots of themes including: not fitting in; not living up to your family’s expectations; what it’s like to be a boy who isn’t overtly macho; that it’s OK to be sensitive; that brains can be better than brawn; that parents aren’t always right. Should I mention any of this or just hope the prospective agent will be intrigued enough to read the text and form their own opinions?] 

I’m a 39-year-old mum of two (girls aged 8 and 5). I’ve always loved stories and, for the past 15 years, I’ve written about other people’s – as a TV reviewer and features writer on national magazines such as TV Choice, Closer, TV Quick and The Total TV Guide. 

In December 2011 I attended an Arvon Foundation course about picture books (the course tutors were Peter Bently and Mei Matsuoka) which inspired me to begin writing picture book texts of my own. 

My story ‘The Sun And The Moon’ was one of 20 shortlisted finalists in the recent Walker Books/Mumsnet Book of Bedtime Stories competition. I am also a member of SCBWI. 

Thank you for your time. Yours sincerely, 


Here's what Gemma and Molly said:

Dear Gemma/Mrs Ker Hawn, 

I’m seeking representation for my picture book texts ‘Wunderpants!’ and ‘Finn The Friendly Shark’ (complete at 460 words and 610 words respectively). They are both humorous rhyming picture book texts aimed at 4-7 year olds. 

[Is it OK to send more than one picture book query at a time? I’ve read that it’s acceptable to send up to three at once.] Yes, for picture books it’s fine to send up to three at once. Just make sure they’re the very best ones you have, and don’t just send three because you can! 

Wunderpants! - It’s Nell’s first day at school and… disaster strikes! She has an ‘accident’ and, when her teacher tries to find her some clean underwear, only a pair of boy’s blue underpants will fit. But these are no ordinary pants. They are WUNDERPANTS! and, When Nell puts them on, wonderful things start to happen. Maybe, just maybe, Nell’s first day at school won’t be so bad after all…

[I’m not sure how much detail to go into here. This story is obviously about ‘first day at school worries’ and also, more generally, shyness/confidence. Hopefully this is apparent from the above synopsis/pitch.] For a picture book, a short paragraph of about 3-4 lines is fine. 

Finn The Friendly Shark - Life can be tough when you’re a great white shark who’s more fun-loving than ferocious: fish are your friends, the neighbours all laugh and even your own family seem embarrassed by you. So cute little Finn runs away with hopes of becoming menacing and mean. Will he be able to prove himself and win the respect of his father and older brothers? The plot is getting a bit lost here. Initially it’s unclear why it’s a problem that fish are his friends – having friends seems like a good thing – and then it’s unclear why the neighbours laugh. Why is being fun-loving an issue? It sounds like he’s okay and having a good time being different, so we can’t see why life is tough. Is the problem that he is cute and small? Start with the problem more clearly explained. 

[Again, is this enough? This story has a bit more going on. It’s touches on lots of themes including: not fitting in; not living up to your family’s expectations; what it’s like to be a boy who isn’t overtly macho; that it’s OK to be sensitive; that brains can be better than brawn; that parents aren’t always right. Should I mention any of this or just hope the prospective agent will be intrigued enough to read the text and form their own opinions?] Don’t tell us what themes we should be taking from a book -- we can form our own opinions. A good picture book text with a message manages to layer that message in an engaging story, so it can be read on two levels. If you try to make it too didactic, a kid will see through you!

I’m a 39-year-old mum of two (girls aged 8 and 5). We don’t really need to know this. Your work background is more relevant than your family here. 

I’ve always loved stories and, for the past 15 years, I’ve written about other people’s – as a TV reviewer and features writer on national magazines such as TV Choice, Closer, TV Quick and The Total TV Guide. 

In December 2011 I attended an Arvon Foundation course about picture books (the course tutors were Peter Bently and Mei Matsuoka) which inspired me to begin writing picture book texts of my own. 

My story ‘The Sun And The Moon’ was one of 20 shortlisted finalists in the recent Walker Books/Mumsnet Book of Bedtime Stories competition. I am also a member of SCBWI. 

Thank you for your time. Yours sincerely, 
 

---

@gemma_cooper 

@mollykh.

Gemma Cooper and  Molly Ker Hawn represent authors of books for children and young adults. For more information about Gemma and Molly see The Bent Agency website and blog. 


Ask an Agent - with Gemma Cooper and Molly Ker Hawn, from the Bent Agency

 

Are you looking for a query critique from those in the know? Or do you have a question you've always wanted to ask an agent? Each month, agents Gemma Cooper and Molly Ker Hawn from The Bent Agency are offering just that.

This month, they critique two queries sent in to us by our readers.


Original Query One:

Dear AGENT NAME,

 

The Unusual Education of Ellie Anderson is a contemporary YA novel about a Scottish seventeen year-old’s adjustment to life as an exchange student at a Chicago high school. Complete at 78,000 words, I am currently sending it out to a few carefully selected agents in hope of representation. 

It is the start of a new academic year, and while her friends and boyfriend are starting university fifty miles from home, Ellie is following her own dream four thousand miles away. Her expectations are based on the glamorous sets and storylines of shows like Gossip Girl, but Ellie quickly discovers that the reality is entirely more gritty. Placed with a family that is even harder work than her own, and socially rejected despite her best efforts to fit in, Ellie is plotting the fastest route home when she makes a friend and things start to change.

My novel follows Ellie through the first two months of her ten-month stay in America as she deals with heartbreak, betrayal and culture shock. Through social blunders, sexual mishaps, the negotiation of school politics and new friendships, Ellie is about to learn a lot more from her extra-curricular activities than she will in Health class.

Although a work of fiction, my story was inspired by a year I spent as an exchange student in the US, touching on the issues I was running from, the dreams that I was running towards and the many, many humiliations I experienced in the process.

I am a cognitive psychologist with a love of words that led me to a Masters in Psycholinguistics. With work experience in adolescent psychiatry and Disney entertainment, I hope that I am well placed to write for teens in a way that understands while it entertains.

I see this as the first in a three-book series, and am currently working on the second.

With many thanks for your time and consideration,

Here's what Gemma and Molly said:


Dear AGENT NAME, The Unusual Education of Ellie Anderson is a contemporary YA novel about a Scottish seventeen year-old’s adjustment to life as an exchange student at a Chicago high school. Complete at 78,000 words, I am currently sending it out to a few carefully selected agents in hope of representation. You don’t need to tell me it’s a multiple submission—I always assume submissions aren’t exclusive. 

It is the start of a new academic year, and While her friends and boyfriend are starting university fifty miles from back home, Ellie is following her own dream four thousand miles away. Her expectations are based on the glamorous sets and storylines of shows like She’s expecting her new life to be as glamorous as Gossip Girl, but Ellie quickly discovers that the reality is entirely more gritty. placed with a family who are that is even harder work than her own, and socially rejected despite her best efforts to fit in, Ellie is plotting the fastest route home when she makes a friend and things start to change. 

My novel follows Ellie through the first two months of her ten-month stay in America as she deals with heartbreak, betrayal and culture shock. Through social blunders, sexual mishaps, the negotiation of school politics and new friendships, Ellie is about to learn a lot more from her extra-curricular activities than she will in Health class. 

This is really vague. What’s the central conflict? Who’s this friend that she makes? What does Ellie want? Most importantly – where’s the hook? 

Although a work of fiction, my story was inspired by a year I spent as an exchange student in the US, touching on the issues I was running from, the dreams that I was running towards and the many, many humiliations I experienced in the process. 

Nice! This shows me why your personal experience makes you the person to write this book. 

I am a cognitive psychologist with a love of words that led me to a Masters in Psycholinguistics. With work experience in adolescent psychiatry and Disney entertainment, I hope that I am well placed to write for teens in a way that understands while it entertains.Not needed.  

I see this as the first in a three-book series, and am currently working on the second. 

THE UNUSUAL EDUCATION OF ELLIE ANDERSON is complete at 78,000 words and is a stand-alone novel, though it could also begin a series. 

I’m seeing a lot of series fatigue from editors. In my experience, it’s easier to sell a novel if it can work as a stand-alone or as the first volume in a series. 

With many thanks for your time and consideration, 

This sounds like it might be an interesting project, but the query is wordy and vague. A great query usually has one or more of the following: 

• A great logline: A catchy sentence or two that tells me what your book is about. 

• A fabulous hook: A fresh, why-didn’t-I-think-of-that idea that shows the reader makes this project different, like “Boy decides to eat himself to death live on the internet” (that’s BUTTER, by Erin Lange), or “Girl drowns on her 16th birthday, then shows up at school three months later as if nothing happened” (that’s BLACKFIN SKY, my client Kat Ellis’s forthcoming YA novel).

• Spot-on comp titles: Successful books, movies or television shows your project could be compared to, e.g., “In the tradition of A MONSTER CALLS and SKELLIG…” or “SKINS meets GAME OF THRONES” (gosh, can you imagine?). 

This query starts with a logline, but it would be more successful if it were punchier. I’ve been a seventeen-year-old exchange student myself — I know there’s drama to be found in this situation! Show me some of that drama in your logline and it’ll be impossible for me to stop reading. 

It can be hard to find a really good hook for a contemporary YA novel, I know. But unless you can get close, your book runs the risk of being “too quiet” to catch an agent or editor’s attention. Try to convey some conflict in your query so that we get a sense of how high the emotional stakes are for your main character. 

Comp titles can be a pain in the neck to research, but they can make all the difference in nabbing that request for a full manuscript. Sometimes, when I’m writing pitches, I canvass the TBA agents for help with comp titles so I can be sure I’m not overlooking something perfect – so ask around your beta readers or critique group (or hey, Twitter works too) if you’re having trouble coming up with comp titles on your own. 

Above all – avoid clutter in your query. Keep it snappy and to the point. I usually comb through 30-50 queries at a time, so anything you can do to make yours stand out will raise your odds of catching my eye. 



Original Query Two:

Dear Molly and Gemma,

EVIVRUS – the other evolution.

I am seeking representation for my upper middle grade novel complete at 41,000 words. It is a hybrid fantasy/SF novel, a kind of Narnia meets Primeval. It is intended as a series but is written as a stand alone book.

After a top secret experiment, super scientist Nain disappears.

Intelligent, slightly insular Win, who prefers animals to people, is persuaded by his clever, rebellious older brother (Stan) to break into the old research lab, follow the clues, recreate the experiment and find Nain.

They create a pathway to Evivrus,a distorted mirror image of Iron Age Earth populated by creatures of strange evolution, and suppressed by the illusive and powerful Sifr. They meet Nain's apprentice, Gefn, who helps them to survive this dangerous world and guides them to Nain's last known hiding place, a cave in the territory of the evolved wolf people, the Lycans. They arrive at Nain's cave, but they too are captured. Win tries to persuade the leader, Asena, not to feed them to the pack, but to help them find Nain. Asena agrees, but it is a trap.

Separated from Stan and Gefn, Win is taken to the Cave of Swords, Sifr's lair. There he finds Nain, bound and gagged. Win is used as a bargaining chip by Sifr to persuade Nain to release the codes so that he can carry out his plan that could end both worlds. But Win learns a terrible truth about his own identity. He must show courage if he is to stand up to Sifr and believe that the future is not yet set.

In accordance with your guidelines I have included the first ten pages at the end of this email.

I had the first draft of this novel critiqued by Cornerstones. I found the experience very helpful and knew I had issues with the book and was desperate to overcome them. I re-wrote the novel with the suggested change of direction and have since been re-drafting and working with the on-line critique group SCBWI Muddle Graders.

Last year I completed my MA in Creative Writing at Manchester University. I am a teacher by profession and a mum to three ace kids. I am a part time freelancer mostly writing the content for on line training.

Thank you for your time.

Best regards,

Here's what Gemma and Molly said:

Dear Molly and Gemma, 

EVIVRUS – the other evolution. 

I am seeking representation for my upper middle grade novel, EVIVRUS, complete at 41,000 words. It is a hybrid fantasy/SF novel, a kind of Narnia meets Primeval. It is intended as a series but is written as a stand alone book. 

After a top secret experiment, super scientist Nain disappears. 

As the first line to hook us, this is too vague as we don’t know who Nain is and why that’s important. Start with your main character. 

Intelligent, slightly insular Win, who prefers animals to people, slightly insular and preferring animals to people are sort of saying the same thing – your main character is shy. You have limited word count, so don’t say the same thing twice is persuaded by his clever, rebellious older brother (Stan) Don’t overload your query with names – stick to one or two, otherwise the reader will lose the thread. to break into the old research lab, follow the clues, recreate the experiment and find Nain.

I’m confused about how these kids know about the experiment if it’s top secret. Who is Nain to them? Teacher? Employer? Family? 

They create a pathway to Evivrus, a distorted mirror image of Iron Age Earth populated by creatures of strange evolution, and suppressed by the illusive and powerful Sifr. They meet Nain's apprentice, Gefn, who helps them to survive this dangerous world and guides them to Nain's last known hiding place, a cave in the territory of the evolved wolf people, the Lycans. 

At this point I am confused, and too overloaded with names to keep track of the plot. I would stop reading.  

They arrive at Nain's cave, but they too are captured. 

We don’t need to know every step they take to get from A to B – just the key plot points. 

Win tries to persuade the leader, Asena, not to feed them to the pack, but to help them find Nain. Asena agrees, but it is a trap. Separated from Stan and Gefn, Win is taken to the Cave of Swords, Sifr's lair. There he finds Nain, bound and gagged. 

Again, we don’t need a play-by-play of exactly what happens or the name of the lair. 

Win is used as a bargaining chip by Sifr to persuade Nain to release the codes so that he can carry out his plan that could end both worlds. But Win learns a terrible truth about his own identity. He must show courage if he is to stand up to Sifr and believe that the future is not yet set. 

This hints that there is some sort of destiny element here, but it’s not coming over that Win is special in the rest of the query. 

In accordance with your guidelines I have included the first ten pages at the end of this email. 

I had the first draft of this novel critiqued by Cornerstones. I found the experience very helpful and knew I had issues with the book and was desperate to overcome them. I re-wrote the novel with the suggested change of direction and have since been re-drafting and worked with the online critique group, SCBWI Muddle Graders. 

Last year I completed my MA in Creative Writing at Manchester University. I am a teacher by profession and a mum to three ace kids. I am a part time freelancer mostly writing the content for on line training. 

This line doesn’t make sense to me – if you are writing content online, explain what it is, and the frequency. 

Thank you for your time. 

Best regards, 

I think you might need to strip this back and start again. Introduce your main character. What does he want? What’s preventing him from achieving those goals? And what are the stakes if he doesn’t achieve them? 

I know it’s harder with a fantasy world, as you feel you need to explain everything, but you don’t have enough words to do this, and trying to will ultimately confuse the reader. 

Introduce your main character. Win is a science nerd? Or a relation of a scientist? Age? 
What does he want? To rescue/save Nain. 
What’s preventing his achieving those goals? Being captured by an evil overlord. 
And what are the stakes if he doesn’t achieve them? The end of both worlds. 

Keep it short and just focus on the main plot point. So a rough idea—without having read the story— might be: 

When fourteen-year old science nerd Win recreates a failed experiment to solve the mystery of his science teacher’s disappearance, he is transported to Evivrus, a distorted mirror image of Iron Age Earth populated by creatures of strange evolution. 

Win plans to rescue his mentor, but is captured by an evil overload who knows a secret about Win’s past and plans to use this to end both worlds. Does Win have enough courage to outrun his destiny?  

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Gemma and Molly have recently updated their submission wishlists. Check out what they are looking for here:

Gemma's wishlist

Molly's wishlist

They will be back next month answering more questions and critiquing your queries. If you have a question you'd like to ask them, or are ready to start querying and would like some feedback from the professionals before you start submitting, email us at writers@britishscbwi.org 

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@gemma_cooper 

@mollykh.

Gemma Cooper and  Molly Ker Hawn represent authors of books for children and young adults. For more information about Gemma and Molly see The Bent Agency website and blog. 


Ask an Agent - with Penny Holroyde from the Caroline Sheldon Literary Agency

This month, Penny Holroyde from the Caroline Sheldon Literary Agency has stepped in to answer our readers' questions and also has a few handy tips for those looking for an agent.

Thanks to Words and Pictures for asking me to guest post while Gemma and Molly enjoy well-earned breaks. I’m an agent with the Caroline Sheldon Literary Agency. I’ve worked in publishing for 18 years in the UK and the US. I’m looking for authors and illustrators for children’s books for all ages. 

On my wish list currently are: an M R James for 10+, the junior novel that makes a child a lifelong reader – Gerald Durrell did it for me, a really funny series for 8-10s that makes the mundane funny, a historical novel (although it doesn’t have to be set in the past, I guess) where the protagonist has a very unusual job – assistant to Charles Darwin – something like that. I’m also looking for some narrative nonfiction – if you can do for children what Wendy Moore and Giles Milton do for adults, I’m really interested in seeing it. And I’m always looking for picture book texts. 

Are picture book authors who write in a variety of styles more appealing to you than those whose stories are all similar in approach and subject matter? 

Ask an Agent - with Gemma Cooper and Molly Ker Hawn, from the Bent Agency

 

Are you looking for a query critique from those in the know? Or do you have a question you've always wanted to ask an agent? Each month, agents Gemma Cooper and Molly Ker Hawn from The Bent Agency are offering just that.

This month they answer some more of our readers' burning questions, and critique a query.

How long should someone wait before chasing for a reply to a full manuscript request?

Gemma and I always confirm receipt of a full manuscript and give an idea of our response time, if you haven’t heard from us within that timeframe, then it’s all right to nudge us. If the agent you’ve sent your full to doesn’t give you a timeframe, then I suggest you check in with her after three months or so.

Do you brainstorm ideas for new projects with your clients?

Absolutely – if the client wants that. We love brainstorming! We’re out meeting with editors all the time, so we can help clients develop commercial ideas with particular editors in mind, or play with ideas based on trends we’re seeing in requests from editors. Some clients prefer not to brainstorm ideas first, and that’s okay also. As I’ve said before, every client is different and we have different relationships with each one.

I'm in Australia for the next year. Would UK agents consider submissions from writers who are temporarily overseas? 

Yes, but then we represent clients living all over the world. Ideally, if we’re selling to a UK publisher, it would be good if you are in the country when your book is published so you can promote your book and do school visits to get word of mouth out on the playground. Most of the pre-publication process is done by email, although it is always nice to get to meet your editor.

I'm writing a contemporary witch school story and would love to occasionally reference some Harry Potter words as in, 'Where's the Hogwarts feast?' or 'I'm no muggle, I'm just normal.' Is it OK to do that? I've seen references to other material, celebrities, tv programmes etc in books but people keep warning me not to do it. 

Tricky one. It probably wouldn’t require permission from J.K. Rowling’s publisher, but doing this might date your book and make it a target of comparison to Harry Potter. I think it’s better to do your own world-building rather than using someone else’s. 

Query : 

Izzy Fryer, a thirteen-year-old Londoner, unleashes an ancient power when she finds a silver locket in an isolated Peak District village. Following the discovery, she notices that the locket bears a mark associated with a local resurrection legend, but it’s only after a break-in and a vicious attack that she starts to realise its potential. Cuts and bruises disappear overnight, a broken leg heals miraculously. Drawing upon her urban instincts, she must decide who to trust with the secret before someone forces it from her. But it’s not so easy to choose when everyone’s a potential suspect - including her own family. 

Here's what Gemma and Molly said:

Izzy Fryer, a thirteen-year-old Londoner Why is the fact she is from London important if the story is set in the Peak District?, unleashes an ancient power when she finds a silver locket in an isolated Peak District village. Is she on holiday? You could reword this: When on holiday in an isolated Peak District village, thirteen year old Izzy Fryer discovers a silver locket that unleashes an ancient power. 

Following the discovery, she notices that the locket bears a mark associated with a local resurrection legend, but it’s only after a break-in and a vicious attack On who? that she starts to realise its potential. Cuts and bruises disappear overnight, a broken leg heals miraculously. Whose leg? 

Drawing upon her urban instincts, she must decide who to trust What has the fact that she’s a Londoner got to do with her ability to work out who to trust? with the secret the secret of what? That the locket heals, or is it something bigger? before someone forces it from her. But it’s not so easy to choose when everyone’s a potential suspect Suspect of what? The attack or the break-in? Or something else?- including her own family. 

We love short and to-the-point queries, but this is a little too short and vague to really give us an understanding of the world and who the players are. There’s room here to tell us a bit more of the story. What is this ancient power? Who gets hurt? What are people suspected of? 

This pitch part of your query can be one or two paragraphs. Introduce your main character: What does she want? What’s preventing her from achieving those goals? And what are the stakes if she doesn’t achieve them? Don’t let brevity prevent you from telling us what we need to know to get hooked on your story! 

Gemma says: Molly and I are both away next month, but we have organised an exciting guest agent to take over the feature - Penny Holroyde from the Caroline Sheldon Literary Agency . Please send over questions for Penny as soon as possible, and make them good ones! Questions can be sent to writers@britishscbwi.org or post them in the comments below. Molly and I will be back to answer questions or critique queries in October.

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@gemma_cooper 

@mollykh

Gemma Cooper and Molly Ker Hawn represent authors of books for children and young adults. For more information about Gemma and Molly see The Bent Agency website and blog. 



Ask an Agent - with Gemma Cooper and Molly Ker Hawn, from the Bent Agency

Are you looking for a query critique from those in the know? Or do you have a question you've always wanted to ask an agent? Each month, agents Gemma Cooper and Molly Ker Hawn from The Bent Agency are offering just that.

This month, they critique two very different queries sent in to us by our readers.

ORIGINAL QUERY ONE: 

Dear ***,   

I am a self taught author/illustrator living in Southend on Sea with my wife and daughter, and work as an office manager. I have been working on a number of books for some years and am now at a stage where I would like to have them in print.  I would be most grateful if you would spare a moment to view my attached submission of 4 sample pages and consider representing me in my pursuit to publish the first of my childrens picture books ‘The Tale of the Greedy Fish’.   

It is written and illustrated by myself, aimed at children around 3 years through to 8 years, and 24 pages in length. It is illustrated in a genuinely unique, eye catching style with enormous merchandising and possible animation potential. All scenes, characters and pages are completely editable and has the ability to be published in paper, ebook or any other medium.   

In brief it is a humorous story of greed and forgiveness - the Greedy Fish eats all the underwater towns food in Lobsters 24 hour Swim-Thru, and is told to leave town by the King of Crabs and the Octopus Judge. His adventure starts and leads him to find a pirates treasure, which he finally gifts to his town who forgive him for his greediness.   

All will become much clearer upon viewing! If you would allow me, I would like to send you a pdf copy of the full book for your consideration. The book has a website www.......should you like to have a look at some samples of the character illustrations in the meantime.   

I hope that I will hear from you soon to discuss my submission, and have the opportunity to discuss working together further.   

Yours sincerely,    

NAME 

Telephone: 

Email: 

Here's what Gemma and Molly said:

Dear ***, Make sure to address this to the agent in person, so for us Dear Mrs Ker Hawn or Dear Gemma   

I am a self taught author/illustrator living in Southend on Sea with my wife and daughter, and work as an office manager. This should come at the end of your query. Also, is being an office manager relevant to the books? If not then don’t include. There is no need to say ‘self-taught,’ just say ‘I’m an author/illustrator.’ If you have studied illustration, then add this at the bottom in your bio. 

I have been working on a number of books for some years and am now at a stage where I would like to have them in print.  I would be most grateful if you would spare a moment to view my attached submission of 4 sample pages and consider representing me in my pursuit to publish the first of my childrens picture books ‘The Tale of the Greedy Fish’. You don’t need any of this. Just open with ‘I am seeking representation for my author/illustrated picture book, ‘The Tale of the Greedy Fish’ complete at X words.   

It is written and illustrated by myself you said you were the author/illustrator so this is superfluous, aimed at children around 3 years through to 8 years if you tell us earlier that it’s a picture book so you don’t need this. However, picture books do generally fall into two bands – 3-5 and 4-7, so you could clarify this in the line above, ‘picture book for 3-5 yrs’, but you don’t have to as the agent should be able to gauge, and 24 pages in length What is the word count? 

It is illustrated in a genuinely unique, eye catching style with enormous merchandising and possible animation potential. This description doesn’t actually tell us anything about your illustrations. Every illustrator would describe his or her work this way. And mentioning things like merchandising and animation at this stage will make an agent think you are running before you can walk. Concentrate on pitching the book to the best of your ability in this query and leave the agent to think about the next steps. 

All scenes, characters and pages are completely editable To get a book published, it would be very likely you would do an edit with the agent and then another few with the publisher, so you don’t need to tell us that the book is editable and has the ability to be published in paper, ebook or any other medium. Again, an agent will know this already, so no need to include.   

In brief it is a humorous story of greed and forgiveness Your brief synopsis of the book should show this, so no need to tell us - the Greedy Fish eats all the underwater towns (town’s) food in Lobsters 24 hour Swim-Thru, and is told to leave town by the King of Crabs and the Octopus Judge. Do we need all these names in this short pitch? It’s a lot to take in. 

His adventure starts and leads him to find a pirates treasure If this is where his adventure starts, then you need to tell us more about the exciting bit of the book, which he finally gifts to his town who forgive him for his greediness. Think about this part of the query letter as the blurb on the back of the book – hook the agent with an exciting few lines about the main character and what his motivations and obstacles are, without knowing a lot about the book, here is an attempt – ‘When Greedy Fish is told to leave town after eating all the food, he swims straight into a pirates’ hideaway filled with treasure! Greedy Fish gets the gold, but can he finally learn to share and will the townsfish forgive him?’   

All will become much clearer upon viewing! If you would allow me, I would like to send you a pdf copy of the full book for your consideration. The book has a website www............com should you like to have a look at some samples of the character illustrations in the meantime. It’s a great idea for illustrators to have work online so that an agent can look at it while viewing the query. 

Here is where you can put your biographical information: ‘I live in Southend on Sea with my wife and daughter. Are you a member of any writing organisations – SCBWI, perhaps? Mention this here. You could also add a line about why you are the best person to write this book. Perhaps you own a prize-winning goldfish, or you run a local kids reading group.

 I hope that I will hear from you soon to discuss my submission, and have the opportunity to discuss working together further. ‘Thank you for your time’ will suffice here.   

Yours sincerely,    

Name 

Telephone: 

Email: 

 

Original Query Two: 

Dear (AGENT NAME HERE),   

Twelve year-old Fidelia Quail lives for the sea. She and her parents, esteemed marine biologists, have tagged and tracked every creature in Arborley Sea: whales, jellyfish, octopuses, sea snakes, even sharks.   

But the experienced scientists are no match for the Undertow. This annual end-of-summer storm makes an early appearance in the bay, and the Drs. Quail are blown out of the research submarine. They float, lost at sea, and it's up to Fidelia to rescue them.   

Fidelia heads for the local pub to find a sea dog brave enough to sail through the deadly Undertow, but no one will do it... until a mysterious pirate, Merrick the Monstrous, offers Fidelia a bargain.   

If she will use her marine biology savvy to dive through shark-infested waters and retrieve his sunken treasure, he'll find her parents. Easier said than done! Merrick has a list of treasons longer than a ribbon eel. The navy's hunting for him, and they won't stop until he hangs.   

Fidelia suspects Merrick isn't playing with a full deck. His pocket watch ticks backwards in a countdown. His cough sounds worse than a seagull at low tide. And his beloved underwater treasure turns out to be just a worthless, salt-eaten pewter brooch.   

Rescue the Quails before they drown. Find the brooch before the navy blasts the pirates into driftwood. Unravel Merrick's secret before the pocket watch runs out of time...   

Holy hammerhead, it seems impossible. Even for a girl who swims with sharks.   

My 50k-word MG adventure, RACE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, is Jules Verne meets Robin Hood.   

Thank you! 

(name) 

 

Here's what Molly and Gemma said:

This is actually a pretty solid query: it gives us a clear idea of the main character, what she wants, and the high stakes of this adventure. But it’s a bit wordy; we don’t need quite so much description of Merrick, nor do we need to know about the Undertow: we just need to know that the Drs. Quail are lost at sea. 

Remember that we’re likely to be reading your query after reading thirty others, and we’ll still have thirty more to go: if you can be economical with your words and still get the plot and the feel of your book across, you’re much likelier to pique our interest. 

(One line that could read confusing is the Drs. Quail being ‘blown out of the research submarine’ – Gemma read this as being ejected from the submarine, rather than being blown out to sea!) 

Gemma and Molly will be back next month answering more questions and critiquing your queries. If you have a question you'd like to ask them, or are ready to start querying and would like some feedback from the professionals before you start submitting, email us at writers@britishscbwi.org 
 

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@gemma_cooper 

@mollykh.

Gemma Cooper and  Molly Ker Hawn represent authors of books for children and young adults. For more information about Gemma and Molly see The Bent Agency website and blog.